I wonder why the world insists upon pulling at all four limbs, promising adventure beyond my radius of security. I thumb through a Nylon featuring pictures of Berlin. I sigh. I watch Amelie and see the picture I took, along with the pathways I at first limped up when sad and later sprinted down when happy, but then worrying when a man tied a colorful bracelet around Michael's wrist. Now I'm suddenly headed to Kentucky. I tell myself I don't like to travel, but I sure don't stop doing it, do I?

I could perhaps blame the five-month absence for the loss of my boyflesh, but it wasn't that. 'twas but a prelude to the inevitable. No need to send your pity, as it was painless and mutual. I say painless, but it was hard not to cry a little when I waited outside his house and played U2's "With or Without You." We need those movie moments. He was awful special. I loved him. But each of us is better suited for a future lover, and for that matter, for different futures.

I will finally have a bedroom painted my favorite colour: the pale green of glow-in-the-dark stars. Once again, the biddies and I will be a family, with new additions (including humans)! I will cease this lackadaisy with an extreme transition of diet and incorporation of exercise. I hope to learn rape aggression defense techniques. I want to play women's rugby. I want to spend some early mornings in the rusted skeleton of a greenhouse with a roof of ivy. I want to broadcast my musical taste. I want acceptance letters. I want to study bush babies. I want to straighten my hair sometimes and wear eye make-up the color of blobs in a stagnant pond. I want to go to parties and meet new people. I want to realize that school is a breeze. I want to keep an eye on homeless cats and dogs. I want my sister, my mother, my father, to be happy with all the change. I want my ginger boy, my muh, and the only person allowed to call me Mandy because it rhymes with his name.

Guess what? It's all gonna happen. Starting with this cold shower...